Tuesday, November 18, 2008


It's been about a year.

A lot has happened. A lot
A year and a half of hell. lots of ups and downs, seems more downs than ups but all those downs have been so worth it to get to the place i am now.

And yet...

What is this place that I am at now?
I know it's a better place, its a further place, it's matured, it's humbled, it's grateful.
But I'll be honest, I sit here and I feel as if all the dust has settled and the fuss is over and there's nothing going on.
I'm ridiculously bored.
I'm lukewarm. (r.3:16)

I read this story in a book about a teenager who became a Xian and a couple weeks later was arrested, when asked why it happened, why did he go back he said he was bored. How have we, have I, made the gospel boring?! I suck.
How am i supposed to make something attractive to teenagers, to friends, to family, to my community if I'm bored out of my mind? freaking twiddling my thumbs!
Where is the passion?
Where is the drive?
It's like I need to have a constant reminder of how much i suck and how awesome that I have hold of a treasure sooo freaking great, HUGE, rad even, that I remember where the passion is. Where's the beef?

What a disappointment.
What a let down.
What drives me?
What/Who saves me? The days I can't do it anymore.

I don't want to keep being a flashbang.
Something that makes a lot of noise and fuss to make the appearance of something destructive, something huge, a force to be reckoned with and there's nothing behind it but some bright lights and smoke. whooptidoo.

haha I think of the word fun sucker. I get the image of a huge group of people having a blast! There's lots of laughing, dancing, smiling... fun is being had. I come in, i suck the life out of the party. I have brought the mood down by my very presence. That's what i have done by just being there, I've not made it a party anymore, I've made it boresville USA.
How can i mar this, how can i make something this exciting so boring to those who know me or are around me?

I'm tired.
I'm bored.
God hear my prayers
Lord make my heart true.
I desire passion
I desire humility
I desire excitement and I've done a pretty incredible job of crapping on something too big for words.

How i long to be broken
How i want to be near you
How my heart skips beats when
your love accepts me as i am.

-The Glorious Unseen

Yours Truly,
A sucky, unworthy dead-beat redeemed
over and out

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Superhero Helplessness

"That will never happen to us."

"This isn't supposed to happen to us."

I'm 23, i've made myself my own superhero in my mind. I can fix it. I can take care of it. I will save it. If i can't fix it, dad will. Since i was little I've made myself into a Superhero. Mom would constantly remind me I was not invincible when i did crazy adventures and antics. But i always knew i was invincible and If I failed well then Dad would swoop in and save the day.

You know those little girls that adore their dads. They think Dad can and will fix anything in the world. From scraped knees to busted cars to relationship problems. Dad has a quick fix, he has the hugs, he has the tools, he has the words. daddy can fix anything.
I'm that little girl.
I'm that little girl who knows Dad is a superhero.

When you get a call from a hysterical sister that your mom is either leaving the family or is suicidal, you freak. Not knowing what you're gonna run home to, an empty house or a dead mother is the worst feeling in the entire world for this superhero. Having a father not readily available at the immediate time is frustrating but putting faith in that fact that daddy fixes everthing and once he gets home it will all be better, helps. But to watch as he gets home and how he has no fight in him at all. He is not there to save the day. He is not there to make the boo boos go away and hug all my frets and worries away. He is there dejected and slumped over, lacking any zeal or fight over the damsel in distress.

To watch your superhero have no fight, to look weak and powerless before you is disheartening.

I hate being a superhero
I hate being helpless.

To watch two people who are heroes in your life falter is horrific.

This can't happen to us.
It's not supposed to happen.

What have i put my faith in?
What have i made an idol?

i want to be the Superhero
I want to fix things
to make it all go away.
to save the world.

I hate being the Superhero
I'm not a Savior

Life Sucks. God is good.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Another Day, Another Kiss, and Perhaps another Judas.

I find it funny that we do all these programs, advertizments and sometimes gimmicks to aggrandize a simple item, cause or truth.

gimme gimme bigger bigger better better.

we're unhappy until someone tells us it's gonna make us happy, then we plaster a smile.

strip it all away.

bare essentials.


I crave a beat down.

what is to come

Burn your boats
cast off all dross and burn them as to not look back but as to look forward and fight this battle with a renewed vigor with nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Bring on Life.
Bring on the Carnege.
Bring on Disappointment.
Bring on Hope.
Bring on tragedy
And let me live.

Full and unabashed.