Tuesday, November 18, 2008


It's been about a year.

A lot has happened. A lot
A year and a half of hell. lots of ups and downs, seems more downs than ups but all those downs have been so worth it to get to the place i am now.

And yet...

What is this place that I am at now?
I know it's a better place, its a further place, it's matured, it's humbled, it's grateful.
But I'll be honest, I sit here and I feel as if all the dust has settled and the fuss is over and there's nothing going on.
I'm ridiculously bored.
I'm lukewarm. (r.3:16)

I read this story in a book about a teenager who became a Xian and a couple weeks later was arrested, when asked why it happened, why did he go back he said he was bored. How have we, have I, made the gospel boring?! I suck.
How am i supposed to make something attractive to teenagers, to friends, to family, to my community if I'm bored out of my mind? freaking twiddling my thumbs!
Where is the passion?
Where is the drive?
It's like I need to have a constant reminder of how much i suck and how awesome that I have hold of a treasure sooo freaking great, HUGE, rad even, that I remember where the passion is. Where's the beef?

What a disappointment.
What a let down.
What drives me?
What/Who saves me? The days I can't do it anymore.

I don't want to keep being a flashbang.
Something that makes a lot of noise and fuss to make the appearance of something destructive, something huge, a force to be reckoned with and there's nothing behind it but some bright lights and smoke. whooptidoo.

haha I think of the word fun sucker. I get the image of a huge group of people having a blast! There's lots of laughing, dancing, smiling... fun is being had. I come in, i suck the life out of the party. I have brought the mood down by my very presence. That's what i have done by just being there, I've not made it a party anymore, I've made it boresville USA.
How can i mar this, how can i make something this exciting so boring to those who know me or are around me?

I'm tired.
I'm bored.
God hear my prayers
Lord make my heart true.
I desire passion
I desire humility
I desire excitement and I've done a pretty incredible job of crapping on something too big for words.

How i long to be broken
How i want to be near you
How my heart skips beats when
your love accepts me as i am.

-The Glorious Unseen

Yours Truly,
A sucky, unworthy dead-beat redeemed
over and out

No comments: